Ah, Geesh.

Sunday evening I posted a final "installment" of the marriage topic--or so I thought. Once I pushed "Publish," the screen said "Blog not found." I was so distressed I had to just step away from the keyboard for awhile.

I felt the need to write about my marriage scenario a few days ago out of the anger I was feeling from finding a check stub that indicated my husband used two hours of vacation time. Was I supposed to believe him when he said he had to clock out for a meeting and so he opted to utilize vacation hours so he'd get paid for it? It's the little things like that which I find I'm always having to question based on his history of habitual lying. However, I haven't caught him lying since March, and I sincerely believe that he hasn't since he's seemingly bent over backwards to tell the truth. But it sucks, nonetheless, having the natural instinct to be so doubtful now. And speaking of natural instincts...I'm a woman. I believe in talking about everything with my spouse. You know, from how our days went to how many times the phone rang. Would it be unreasonable to expect him to tell me that he used two hours of his vacation time because of a meeting? (which I also didn't know about) I'm a communicator, but oftentimes it has been a one-way street. And one thing about communication--you can do your part all you want and still not get your partner to respond.

I chose to write about the topic not merely to expose the scandal to the world, but for the sake of remembering. The memories come flooding back some days more than others, so I took the opportunity to jot down the play-by-play of emotions as I remember them now. Some day I would like to look back and think one of two things: Either 1. I will see the anguish I went through and be glad that I chose to leave. Or 2. I will think, "Wow. We came a long way from that bump in the road in our relationship."

Looking at the wedding and anniversary pictures in the paper, I noticed a contrast between the expressions on couples' faces. The newlyweds always have that anxious glimmer in their eyes--the anticipation of happily-ever-after. Twenty, thirty, sometimes even fifty years later, the couples are still smiling, but with a look of triumph that says, "Yeah. We made it." And the thing is, you know that no couple survives a marriage without overcoming obstacles. It just makes me wonder how much people put up with and why.

At water aerobics the other morning, I got to talking with a local veterinarian's wife. He's a highly respected man in the community and their kids were all very well-liked in school and are quite successful as adults. I was in awe when she told me about how her husband had stepped out on her early in their marriage. Not just once, but twice. Of course, I had found myself pretty comfortable with talking to this lady so I was telling her a portion of my own scenario. She told me this: "It isn't uncommon. They'll have one or two and then they'll realize that it's not greener on the other side. There isn't a day that goes by when my husband doesn't express remorse for what he did. But We are best friends now, and I wouldn't have it any other way."

What she had to say was pretty inspirational. It made me feel like maybe what we've gone through will eventually subside. Maybe I'm being impatient since it has only been 6 months. Then again, maybe I'm being ignorant to the possibility that it will indeed happen again. Either way, I told our marriage counselor a few weeks ago that I am giving it until spring when I graduate college. I figure a full year will give me the chance to sort out my feelings and give him a chance to be completely honest.

In the meantime, we're a huge work-in-progress. I still have my days when I can't help but reminisce and ruminate even the worst of times. Time will tell.