More Marriage Discussion, blah, blah...

I've made arrangements to move in with my father. I haven't decided if I want to drop the ball on the unsuspecting husband before Christmas or after, but I've made up my mind that a separation must take place.

I often question myself why I'm so displeased with my marriage. After all, I have a husband who works his ass off to take care of my son and I, so what more do I need? My mother and grandmother have asked me this before, and I wish so bad I could express to them that there are higher needs than those of the financial kind. Oh yeah, and that damn affair...will I/can I ever fully get over that? It's been eight months now and though I said I'd give myself a full year to attempt to put it behind me, I think not.

Our marriage isn't necessarily a failure due to age or maturity as much as it is due to a lack of commonality and honesty. We are so different on so many levels it isn't even funny, BUT the thing is, Steve led me to believe he was something he wasn't, pre-marriage. I feel like he falsely advertised himself, so of course he came across as a perfect life partner for me.

This is how intellectually different we are, though. A few weeks ago I told him some places where I was considering grad school, and he says, "What's grad school?"

And I think, therefore, that our biggest boundary is our intellectual incompatibility. I don't say that to come across as an arrogant, too-good bitch, but honestly, we can never converse about things that have a deeper meaning than, "What's for supper?" He doesn't express emotion whatsoever, which absolutely drives me insane since I am a highly emotional person. The other night, for instance, I had just gotten off of the phone after an hour long conversation with my dad about my mom and her abortion, their marriage, etc. I was crying, obviously upset, and seeing this, my husband says nothing. I tell him what had just happened and he says, "Hmm."

Our marriage counselor flat out said (this past spring) that I have communication "down pat." Yet Steve chooses not to express his opinions, interests, dislikes, etc., and so I find myself being very lonely within the relationship. Communication is a two-way street, though one of the biggest fallacies I had about marriage was that I would be able to take care of any situation that came up. For instance, if we had a problem with communication, I would just tell him what we needed to do differently and voila, we'd be fine. I now know that was MY mistake.

After class today, I was walking across campus with a female colleague and we became engaged in a conversation about political matters. I realized it was incredibly refreshing to be able to talk to a person who not only had a knowledgable, informed opinion, but was also eager to share both, while also listening to my own input. We were discussing something that seemed to have substance; something meaningful that we're both passionate about. My husband, on the other hand, doesn't get passionate about much unless it involves food or a promotion in the factory.

I hope my dismal outlook fades soon, but in the meantime, yes, I am unhappy. Speaking of class, my next class is in one hour and I still need to study for a quiz. Yowza!