Graduation, Heritage, and the Holidays

Time to wipe the cobwebs off the keyboard and blog a bit. I've been dormant for about a week now, blurbing here and there but not saying much, not because there's nothing to say, but because I am, rather, in a strange state. As I've said before, I'm seldom without words. But lately motivation has been a rarity around here.

I still think it is this time of the year that gets me down. The holiday hoopla and shopping madness are over, yet overcast skies and crappy precipitation are here to stay for another good sixty days, at least. (Unless that groundhog sees his shadow, which I'm not holding my breath for this year.) Though I welcome the break from school, I also yearn for the spring semester to hurry up and get here. I'm feeling idle, which means it would be an opportune time to catch up on the things I otherwise wish for the time to do: Keep up with my scrapbooking, write my novel, print off some photos, read some good literature, etc. Bah! I've been trying to read one of the books I got for Christmas, (The Natural, Bernard Malamud's first novel), but I'm not having much luck getting into it. One night I settled down on the couch, ready to read, and next thing I knew it was 6 a.m. and I was drooling all over the side of the sofa. Last night I was for sure I would get to read during my 12 mile (stationery) excursion on the bike at the Y, but no, I found myself more interested in alternating between staring at people and watching the news.

The countdown is on and I've never been so anxious for an event in my life--that being my college graduation in 128 days. My emotions are crazy at this point, as it isn't just the idea of getting the paper certificate of official completion that excites me so. I'm a tad nervous; frustrated at the lack of opportunities in the nearby vicinity, scared to death of not finding something that will be both appealing and satisfactory for paying bills, and yet also a bit depressed at the idea of finally accomplishing the goal itself. (What else will I look forward to every fall and spring?) The latter is the least of my concerns, but is nonetheless something that affects me. A dear friend once pointed out something she'd heard about how some people tend to delay their success for various reasons. I am pretty sure I'm one of those people who subconsciously delays my success, though I have no clue why other than the possibility of my fears once I reach my goals. In the past, I've been let down by big events. Perhaps I'm scared of this, too, having negative consequences?

I do know there's going to be a lot of pressure. I tend to have high expectations of myself, and once I re-enter the job world, I will surely have high hopes of finding something that fulfills all my wishes. I was telling my dad the other day how I want to move away from here and he instantly got depressed about the idea of me uprooting my family. His words: "But how will I be able to make a cowboy out of little man if he lives in another town or state?"

Dad has this idea that he is going to turn my son into the next John Wayne. I have news for him, it's not happening. He's already got a horse for Clayton (even though he's only 2) and says that Clayton will inherit all of his horses someday. That's okay, but I'd like to think my son has other ambitions for a 21st century career. Dad doesn't understand why I think this place where we live "is the arm pit of the country," but I could go on all night about why I want/need to get the heck outta Dodge...er, central Indiana.

Not only does the job market stink around here, but there is simply no culture. This area's culture consists of a myriad of retail chains containing "Dollar" somewhere in the title--as in, Dollar Tree, Family Dollar, Dollar General...even a Dollar Bill's. And I come from a long line of rednecks who do not appreciate things finer than John Deere green equipment and Carhartt overalls. I do not understand how I came from such simpleminded people. Words can't describe how different I am from them. I will be the first to graduate college on my dad's side; second only to my cousin on my mother's side. Now this doesn't necessarily mean anything, but I feel it has a true impact on who I am versus who I was raised to be. The holidays, in particular, are an awkward time. There's nothing like sitting in a room of uncles discussing who has a Farmall and who has an Allis Chalmers; when the moon will be right for planting beans vs. corn, and when it's time to put the bull in with the heifers.

I've always been proud of my farming family, the rural upbringing and the knowledge of agricultural life that naturally comes with it. I know times have changed regardless of the stereotypes that exist, but there's still a bit of shame that has crept into my viewpoint over the last few years. Not all farmers are uneducated, closed-minded people. In fact, our nation would not be where it is without those who have dedicated their lives to agriculture. But I struggle sometimes with accepting the fact that this is what I come from.

Does that make sense?

I guess, with pertinence to the graduation discussion, I'm just saying that it is hard to pull away and make something different of my own life. The holidays are always a sad time for me because, whereas other people seem to focus on gathering with their families, I feel a recognizable distance from mine. I love them all, but there is something that makes me aware we are strangers united only by blood lines.