The Things We Think Of

I was lying in bed last night, restless, as I have been for the last few nights, and everything under the sun--er, moon--was on my mind. Random, useless, trivial stuff. I blame it on the chicken we had for supper, which I really was starting to think carried the bird flu. (Sorry for all those worried scholarly types doing research who will google "bird flu" and my blog comes up.) But seriously, this chicken made me nauseous.

So in the midst of my twisting and turning like a rabid contortionist while attempting to watch David Letterman, I was thinking about how life is like a euchre game. Everybody is a card; some are better draws than other. When your card is face up, you're either taken for keeps or discarded to the deck. The ones who pass you up don't think twice about their decision until it's too late--you can't take that card back to be yours even though it would have given you a better hand...er, life. But there's always the next hand, or in some cases, a second chance. Some settle, some cheat, and some fold. It's all a game that we either keep playing or give up.

Then out of nowhere these words form in my mind...words that would look beautifully arranged if put to paper, but my lazy ass wasn't getting up--even though I was getting quite a workout from all the thrashing activity--to get a pen. I thought that I would surely remember them this morning when I got up, but guess what? Nada. I haven't been able to produce a good poem in about nine months, and that, I believe, would have been my prize entry for our college journal this year. All I remember about these "words" were that they had something to do with hope. Oh how I wish they would come back to me!

Oh yeah--the exam. That was on my mind, too, of course.The first forty-five minutes of my American Courts class were sheer torture last night, and Judge S. was sure getting a kick out of inflicting the misery. He stood at his lectern "discussing" the test and our results (even passed out a LIST of scores to show how many got each grade), but wouldn't pass them back until he was good and ready. One could almost hear the puddles of sweat dripping on the tables across the room. Only five got A's, and though only five failed as well, nobody wanted to be one of those latter five. It doesn't matter that I was feeling confident when I left the room last Thursday, in a law class where part of the exam consists of extensive essays about things like "what would you do-cases", there's no telling how you'll literally be "judged."

So when he finally got around to handing them back, I almost jumped up with a resounding "hallelujah" as I saw that I tied for the 2nd highest score in the class. He used some of my responses as examples he read aloud, but he marked on the test: "Why don't you participate more in class? You have a great A Game going!" Then he later mentioned that, in general, he wants everyone to participate more. He looked right at me and said, "I even wrote on one person's paper that she should participate in class. I was like, 'where the hell has this person been'?" For crying out loud, I sit in the back and on three occasions when I've spoke out to ask questions, he's either ignored me all together or cut me off. When I discovered that he had a hearing aid a couple weeks into class, I mentally made up my mind to "screw it" with participating. But nonetheless, I feel accomplished. A small step, a small victory, but at least I'm halfway toward an A for the class.

There was a myriad of other things on my mind last evening, but somewhere around 3 a.m. I eventually fell into a restful slumber. Deep down I think I know the real reason behind my sleepless nights, but I'm afraid to reveal the things that bother me so. Not only should I not know them, I should not care. I turned that card down and this is the hand I've got.